My mother went into my room to turn off my alarm the other day. She noticed a box of condoms. Today she told me what she found and that she was pleasantly surprised to know that my boyfriend and i are keeping our promise. I love my mom :)

January 26, 2011

First love.

I wish first also meant last in this case. But this is not so. Who’s to say, for sure, whether this love will be the only one. We make plans for our future together. Our house, our kids, our pets, our family, our life. Nothing of our future is seperate. We may not want the same things but we will compromise and we believe we will make it work, because we love each other and want each other to be happy.

Making plans make us feel like we are securing our relationship for future endeavors (or at least that’s how i feel). We can make plans all we want. I know this is real and I want it to last throughout adulthood into old age. But what’s real doesn’t always remain real forever.

December 21, 2010

Do you know what it feels like to be someone’s whole world, to be someone’s everything? My only goal in life is to be happy, his goal: to make me happy. He tells me that he’ll be right there by my side, no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter how much I hurt him. I tell him “It’s like I have this power, this terrible power to…break you. And…I don’t want it. It’s too much.” And after a short silence filled with gasps between tears, he says “Do I not have the same power over you?” Do you know what it feels like to have the words hanging on your tongue, you know what you should say, what you have to say, what you need to say for him to believe that everything is alright, but not having the strength to say them becase there’s so much more you need to say. And there’s no time to say it, and no words to explain just what i’m feeling. But i guess that’s the real dilema; having all these feelings in your heart that you can’t utter. So instead i give a my best rendition of a convincing smile and say “Of course”.

The worst part about being in a relationship, about being in love is that you’re part of a whole, whether you like it or not. You can’t be independent and free-spirited. You can’t do things for you, it’s always for us. And that’s what sucks about being young and being in love. There’s so much life i want to experience. But i can’t very well experience everything i want to experience with him by my side. It’s a terrible thought, a terrible feeling. It’s like we’re in a pool and he’s all in and he’s telling me to come in too. But i’m hanging on to the wall, because i’m too afraid and paranoid. But all i want is to be with him, to be in the same place as he is. How can i do that and still be me? I don’t want to lose myself in love.

I like how happy he makes me

When i’m with him i am so in the moment. I don’t want to think about anything else but him, and us. I love how we act sooo ridiculously stupid together. How i would never act like that around anyone else. And it’s because i don’t worry about embaressing myself because i know he’ll love me no matter what. No, i am not IN  love with him…not yet anyway. But i am definately falling in love, and i am so glad it’s with him. He may not qualify on my “Boyfriend Checklist”. But he makes me happier than i could ever imagine, and i wouldn’t trade that for the world. I don’t know how long this will last, but i know i want to make the most of it while we’re together.

Some best friend.

My best friend is making me choose between her and my current guy. What kind of best friend gives ultimatums? She told me that whenever i have a new guy i get lost in this “weird world where i don’t care about anyone but the guy”. This is definately not true. The only reason she sees it like this is because whenever i do have a guy i never talk to her about him becasue she doesn’t want to hear about it, therefore i don’t want to hang out with her. She’s called me at least 20 times today. She’s smothering me! She can’t ell me what i can and can’t do and what’s right and wrong. She’s not my mother, she’s supposed to be my best friend. And as best friend, she’s SUPPOSED to support my decisions and let me live my own life. I don’t tell her that i don’t think it’s a good idea for her to smoke or drink and i don’t give her ultimatums. Because i am her best friend and i love her and trust her not to make bad decisons. And if she does make bad decisions (as she inevitably will) i’ll be there for her, and she’ll be there for me when i make bad decisions…to tell me i told you so. I’m done with being yelled at by her, that’s not exactly my idea of a good friendship. I just want to be done with her.

Day 1: Best Friend

Dear Shelbi,

You have been my best friend for almost 4 years. That’s the longest i’ve had a best friend. We have actually had a few disagreements but we always find a way to sort through them. Sometimes you really irritate me. Wow…this is depressing. I don’t why we are best friends really. We are complete opposites. But we are. You yell at me a lot. And you are very protective and opinionated. But for some reason i still love you.

Love,

Your Bestie

30 letters.

accidentalsongs:

biancadz:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush 

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Something to blog about. Staring riiiiiiiight now.

oh. oh. I’m going to do this now.

 Yay i have found it!

There is nothing like that connection between two people. The kind of connection that you don’t need to discuss, that you don’t need to label. It’s perfect just the way it is. We have an understanding: we’re committed; although we are not in a “committed relationship”. Neither of us would fool around with someone else. Whether we’re just sitting on a couch watching movies, laying on my bed with my head on his chest simply listening to each other’s inhaling and exhaling, making idiotic inside jokes…we’re just happy to have each other’s company. We agree that a boyfriend/girlfriend thing (especially in high school) is NOT right for us. High school relationships don’t last. People grow up, and they inevitably grow apart. We just want to have fun and enjoy each other’s company. I’m going to be in college in a year, ya I’m going to the Junior College in town but…still. And then the following year, he’ll be graduating and possibly going to Tennessee for college. Yes, we love each other, we care about each other, we think about each other all the time, etc. But there’s no use in starting something we can’t finish. We don’t need to complicate our relationship. Maybe when we’re older. Maybe when we’re done finding ourselves, done soul-searching. But even then, we may be completely different people by then. Who knows? The only thing we know for sure is that we don’t want to lose each other. I love us right now. I love this closeness. I don’t want it to end.

It’s amazing how profound you can be, when you speak from the heart.

What it comes down to is that I have an impossibly difficult time listening to my heart. Time after time my thoughts get in the way of what my heart is trying to tell me. My heart tells me to go left, my mind says go right. My heart says it’s time to let go, my mind says it’s worth one more chance. My heart says there is someone out there for me, someone who is waiting for me too. But my mind is made up—I’m not going to wait around for someone who may or may not exist. And if he/she does exist, a series of questions are to follow: Who is it? When will we meet? Where will we meet? Will we be together indefinately? How am i supposed to believe in this conspiracy of love when all around me people’s hearts are being broken and their spirit is being trampled deep into the dirt. To me, to be in love is more of a temporary thing. Being in love should not be something one questions, it should not be stretched out for lengths of time. Being in love should be spontaneous, it should be spectacularly impulsive, and miraculously real, even if just for a moment. Being in love should never be work, it should never be boring, and it should never never be something one fakes their way through til the end. In all honesty, I want to know what it feels like to be in love, to feel so atuned to one person physically and emotionally. But what I don’t want is the pain, the heartache and the tears. I ask you, is the uncertainty and fragilty of being in love really worth the risk?